So here’s what your first time in the real world would look like.
1. ‘Where the f*ck is the hole?’
2. ‘Wait is that the right hole? Sorry! I swear it wasn’t on purpose.’
3. ‘Am I always going to be a virgin?’
4. It’ll get funny and awkward, not as sensual and sexy as you imagined it to be.
5. You’ll keep looking for the blood, but chances are your hymen is already broken.
6. You’ll realize that his $ex face is really ugly
7. Or her moans are scary rather than sexy
8. A lot of cramping is involved, because after all you aren’t a pretzel.
9. And more often than not it consists more of a repeated monologue, ‘Is it in?’
10. Best case scenario: You’ll spend a lot of time wondering what you’re going to do tomorrow (Because he hasn’t come yet)
11. Worst case scenario: Before you know it was in, it would be out. (The pen leaked before it could do any writing at all)
12. It’s going to be way more emotional than you give it credit.
13. It’s never going to be good the first time. Never.
14. It is nothing like porn. At all. Nope. Not even close.
15. You aren’t getting anything but missionary on the menu today, sir.
16. You won’t even know how to spell orgasm the first time round, forget experiencing one.
17. And when it’s over, your legs will feel like backup dancers from ‘I am a Disco Dancer’.
So use protection and countdown the days to your next period (because even if I tell you not to, you still will)